Why does God care who I sleep with?

For Many People, This Is the Question That Stops Them Even Considering Christianity.

It comes up in university common rooms, in office conversations, on social media threads, and in quiet private thoughts. And for a growing number of people — particularly young people exploring Christianity or hovering at its edges — it is not a peripheral question. It is a dealbreaker.

Why does God care who I sleep with? The question feels obvious to many people outside the church. They look at the Christian ethic of sex — reserved for marriage between a man and a woman — and they see something restrictive, outdated, and judgmental. Something that says no to love. Something that treats perfectly natural human desires as shameful. Something that makes Christianity not just old-fashioned but actively harmful.

Why Does God Care Who I Sleep With? by Sam Allberry is written for exactly those people — and for every Christian who loves them and wants to be able to explain what they believe and why. In characteristic fashion, Allberry does not dodge the difficulty of the question or retreat into defensive moralising. He engages it directly, warmly, and compellingly — and he offers something that most people critiquing the Christian sexual ethic have never properly encountered: not a list of rules, but a vision of love.

The Problem With the Question — and the Better Question Behind It

One of Allberry's great gifts as a communicator is his ability to reframe questions without dismissing them. He takes the questioner seriously — really seriously — while also gently showing that the question itself, as usually framed, is working with a set of assumptions about sex, freedom, identity, and love that deserve to be examined rather than simply accepted.

The assumption that sexual freedom is the same as human flourishing. The assumption that God's restrictions are arbitrary impositions on natural desires rather than the design principles of the one who made those desires. The assumption that love and commitment are separable — that genuine care for another person does not require the kind of binding, exclusive, permanent covenant that Christian marriage describes.

Allberry unpacks each of these assumptions with patience and clarity — not to score points but to genuinely help the reader think more carefully about what they actually want and what kind of world their assumptions are building.

God's Design Is Not Restriction — It Is Blueprint

At the heart of this book is a positive, compelling vision of what sex is for and why God's design for it is not an arbitrary restriction but a blueprint for genuine human flourishing.

Allberry shows that the Christian vision of sex — exclusive, permanent, covenant-shaped, other-person-centred — is not a diminished version of sexual freedom but a richer and more fully human one. It is the vision of two people giving themselves completely to each other in a way that mirrors and reflects the covenant love of God himself. Sex within this framework is not less than what culture promises. It is more — more honest, more whole, more deeply connected to what human beings are actually made for.

And at the foundation of it all is the character of God himself: God is love. His design for sex is not the imposition of a distant deity who distrusts human pleasure. It is the blueprint of a God who invented love, invented sex, invented human beings, and knows better than anyone what makes them flourish.

Perfect for Giving Away

One of the most important things to note about this book is its design purpose: it is explicitly written as a resource to give away — to friends, family members, colleagues, and anyone for whom the Christian sexual ethic is a barrier to faith. It is short enough to read in a single sitting. It is honest enough to take the objections seriously. It is warm enough to feel like a conversation rather than a lecture. And it is clear enough to actually explain what Christianity believes and why.

Sam Allberry — who himself experiences same-sex attraction and writes with the personal authenticity that comes from having wrestled with these questions at the deepest level — is one of the most trusted and effective communicators on this subject in the evangelical world. His ability to combine genuine pastoral warmth with genuine biblical conviction makes him the ideal author for a book designed to reach people who are skeptical of both.

What This Book Covers

• Why the Christian sexual ethic is seen as a barrier to faith — and why that perception is understandable but ultimately mistaken
• The cultural assumptions about sex, freedom, and identity that make Christianity's position seem arbitrary and harmful
• God as love — the theological foundation of a Christian understanding of sex and relationships
• God's blueprint for sex — what marriage is, why it is designed the way it is, and what it is meant to reflect
• Sex before marriage, cohabitation, and homosexuality — addressed honestly and with genuine care for the people behind the questions
• Why God's design for sex is not less than what culture offers but more — richer, more whole, and more genuinely human
• How to explain the Christian sexual ethic to people who are skeptical or hostile — with warmth, conviction, and genuine respect

What Readers Will Gain

• A clear, winsome, and biblically grounded explanation of why God cares about sex — and why his design is good news, not bad news
• Confidence to engage the subject with people who are skeptical or critical — neither defensively nor apologetically
• A positive vision of God's design for love, sex, and marriage that goes beyond rule-keeping to genuine human flourishing
• A short, accessible, and giftable resource for sharing with friends, family members, or colleagues for whom this is a barrier to faith
• An understanding of the cultural assumptions that make Christianity's position seem wrong — and the tools to gently engage those assumptions
• The perspective of an author who writes from personal experience of the tension between same-sex attraction and biblical conviction — giving the book an authenticity and pastoral credibility that purely theoretical treatments lack
• A reminder of the Bible's teaching on love, sex, and marriage that is as useful for Christians themselves as for those exploring the faith

Who Should Read This Book

• Christians who have friends, family members, or colleagues who see the Christian sexual ethic as a dealbreaker for faith
• People exploring Christianity who want to understand what it actually teaches about sex and why
• Young Christians navigating questions of sex, relationships, and identity in a culture that has largely rejected the Christian framework
• Pastors and church leaders wanting a reliable, giftable resource on human sexuality for evangelism and pastoral use
• Churches in India navigating rapidly changing cultural attitudes toward premarital sex, cohabitation, and same-sex relationships
• Anyone who has ever been told that Christians are just anti-sex and wants to understand the actual Christian vision
• Youth workers and campus ministers engaging with young people for whom the Christian sexual ethic is a source of confusion, objection, or personal struggle
• Christians wanting a clear, winsome articulation of their own beliefs on this subject to help them engage conversations with confidence

About the Author

Sam Allberry is a pastor, author, and international speaker who serves as a teaching pastor at Immanuel Nashville and is a founding editor of The Gospel Coalition. He is one of the most trusted and widely-read evangelical voices on questions of sexuality, identity, and the Christian life, and his writing is known for combining careful biblical grounding with deep pastoral warmth and genuine personal authenticity. He is the author of several widely-read books including Is God Anti-Gay?, 7 Myths About Singleness, Why Bother With Church?, and What God Has to Say About Our Bodies. He himself experiences same-sex attraction and has written and spoken about this with a transparency and grace that has made him a uniquely trusted voice for people navigating the intersection of sexuality and Christian faith. His books are used in churches, evangelism programmes, and pastoral contexts around the world, including a growing readership in India and South Asia.